Effective Communication in Families

I enjoyed reading about the guidelines on how to communicate more effectively among families. First, it is important for relationships to invest the same amount of effort, known as “equity”. The book also mentioned the Social Exchange Theory, in which we are more satisfied with relationships when we see that the benefits from our investments outweigh the costs put in. Secondly, we should make daily choices that enhance intimacy. For example, we should put in that extra bit of effort, like showing up to our little sister’s ballet show even thought ballet may be boring. Though it is just a very simple gesture, it is the little everyday details that make a bond stronger. Another guideline is to show respect and consideration. Because we are so comfortable with our loved one, it is important to take them for granted, and be more vicious towards them than we would if our friends upset us. It is also vital to be assertive of our feelings, and emotions- both positive and negative in a respectful manner. Lastly, we should not sweat the small stuff. Since it is hard to change others and it seldom works, we can only change ourselves and control our perception of the situation. Rather than getting upset about someone’s bad habit, like being late all the time, we should keep in mind that we are not always perfect either and remember all the times they did not nag us for something small. We must learn to accept our loved ones and perhaps find ways to help them rather than bash on them for every disappointment that rises.

The Constant Evolution of Marriage

Marriage is constantly changing as times are changing. I believe that 50 years from now, marriage will be less prevalent and cohabitation will increase, which we are already seeing now. I also believe that marriage between two people, regardless of whether a couple is gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. There will be no more controversy over gay marriage, at least in the U.S. I would also predict that there will be more strict rules on marriage as far as age difference, since I know in a lot of other underdeveloped countries, parents are allowed to set up their young daughters with men who even 50 years older. I recently read an article on Yahoo!, where I learned that in Saudi Arabia, there was a girl who was 8, that was forced to wed a 58 year old man. I also think that roles in marriages will be more flexible and interchangeable, where it will be more common for men to be more of the home caretaker than women and women may be more of the dominant income source.

Family & Forms

Family to me, is defined as the people I can count on to always accept, support, and love me, regardless of my actions, behaviors, etc. In addition, family describes the people I am stuck with, or rather, blessed with since we do not exactly get to choose who we want to be in our family, but are born, or adopted into them. Although I know this is not the case for everyone, this is what I have learned through my family. I also see family as not just our immediate family, but includes our closest friends that have been there for us through thick and thin, that we can trust and confide in, and know they will always have our backs. Families offer support, love, trust, advice, acceptance, etc. I agree that families are no longer strictly blood and kin, but include other types we form socially since not all blood families are ideal and healthy. I found the descriptions of substitute, supplemental, convenience, and extended families all pretty accurate. I think I have experienced each of these, especially supplemental family since a lot of my close girlfriends are like the sisters I have always wanted.
 

Primary Styles of Loving

There are three primary types of loving styles, which are Eros, Storge, & Ludus. Eros is the spur of the moment, unexpected style, in which the relationship is very fast-paced. In this style, partners are open to self-disclosure at an early stage. In the Storge style of loving, the relationship is very stable and lovers are compatible, like best friends. However, Storgic relationships are less erotic than Eros relationships. The style, ludus, is very playful. People who are ludic lovers see enjoy the attention and adventure of falling in love, and enjoy the challenge. These lovers tend to not want to settle down and is more common among men. The ludic lover reminds me of a guy I was recently talking to. When we started talking, I was aware he was not ready for commitment anytime soon since he had just gotten out of a 5-year relationship. However, I later realized he enjoyed the attention and flirting with girls and was able to like more than one person at the same time, which was a big no-no on my terms.

Online Deception

I think it is definitely unethical to represent oneself inaccurately. I agree with Gelder that deception is  much more common and likely online than in face-to-face interaction. Through the internet, it is especially easy to falsely represent ourselves and completely recreate ourselves with strangers and new friends we make through the internet. Since the person on the other end of the computer screen can not see us in person, it allows users to take advantage of this by using other people’s pictures and claiming they are ours, lying and telling them we are of a certain profession or go to a more prestigious school, etc. I personally do not like meeting people online and keep friends on my social networks, like Facebook, limited to people I personally know and have met face-to-face. If we are able to interact with a new person we just meet face-to-face, it is a lot easier to analyze them and read their body language and get a more realistic grasp of who they are.

Love & Commitment

There has been one relationship I can recall in which love and commitment were not both present. This relationship was with one of my ex-boyfriends, who I was with for almost two years. Everything was dandy and perfect in the beginning, for the first year and a half. However, I think I began to fall out of being in love with him. Everything was great, but I grew bored. We saw each other often, hung out with the same group of friends, and did everything together. It was the same routine day in and day out, that even though I was committed, the flame that was once there had died out and he was more of my best friend than a boyfriend. Although I tried to hang on a bit longer for our flame to rebuild, I couldn’t force myself to stay in love with him as much as I wanted to. Soon enough, we broke up, which was a huge shock for everyone because from the outside, it seemed as if we were doing so well. I can conclude that commitment and love work interchangeably. Without love, commitment is not possible. If there is no love, there is not enough to keep a person from staying in a relationship and be "tied down" to one person. Without commitment, the love is probably not wholeheartedly there. 

Trust & Relationships

I really enjoyed reading and learning about the role of trust in a relationship and how important trust is in establishing a healthy relationship. I liked the definition of trust, which consists of two parts: 1. Having confidence that others will be dependable and 2. Assuming emotional reliability. I think I have always had a hard time describing trust in a relationship, and this definition was very relevant to my relationship with a guy I have been seeing. I feel as if I cannot trust him, for he is not dependable when he says he will be, and has a tendency to lie or does not tell the entire truth. In addition, I feel he has lost all emotional reliability with me and that he does not truly care about my overall welfare, but is more interested in his own personal welfare and benefit. I am a firm believer in the quote, “actions speak louder than words”. He is quite the talker and can be very convincing. However, I always find that his actions fail to prove his claims, and I am constantly left disappointed.  I am glad I have realized that a relationship is unhealthy and can never work if the trust is broken to a point where it can never be fully recovered.

Friendship Page Advice Forum

After checking out the Friendship Page, I found a lot of creative poems and such, which I thought were interesting. However, the Advice Forum that we were supposed to explore was a mess. It had a lot of different topics, but when I clicked on a topic like “relationship advice” or “Problems with Friends”, there was a lot of different posts. A lot of the posts seemed like irrelevant spam, from an IPhone4S Game Development topic to Louis Vuitton. On the other hand, I found one on cross cultural relationships. The issues raised in the advice forum were really off topic and most were irrelevant to the friendship and the challenges associated with friendship, so the website did not really reflect the challenges to friendship discussed in the chapter. I would not recommend this form to others because it seems like it is not a very credible or educational source. I think the site is in need of a moderator to filter out the junk.

The Development of a Friendship

My best friend, Stephanie, and I met through a mutual friend. We have had to make a lot of investments to get to where we are, and it took a while for us to reach the level of closeness we are at now. Investments we have gone through include all that have been mentioned in the chapter. We both invest time, effort, thought, and feeling into building our relationship. We usually try to spend our free time together, or try to do activities together, even if it means studying. We both put in the same amount of effort and try to ask each other when either of us are free to catch up. If we are unable to physically meet up, we often text one another or chat online. When one of us is feeling down, the other tries to be there to listen, sympathize with, or offer support. We are also both very thoughtful and like to surprise each other with little things like surprising each other with coffee and such. The way we communicate trust is by establishing what we want the other to keep confidential. Through time, we have seen that we are both able to honor the confidentiality and from there, became more comfortable with opening up to one another. The effort and disclosure has grown to become mutual and we are able to confide in one another openly, without fearing rejection or being judged. We know we can both count on each other if one is in need and are at the stabilized friendship stage, where we assume the friendship is ongoing and will continue seeing each other in the near future.

Respecting Diversity in Relationships

I really enjoyed the passage, “Respect Diversity in Relationships” (p. 211). I think it is important to remind people that everyone is different and every relationship is different as well. People also change over time in relationships. It bothers me when people go into a relationship and compare their current relationship to their last and say things like, “so & so does not do this for me like my ex used to”, which I think is kind of irrational. Because everyone’s personality is different, the time it takes for a relationship to develop and reaching certain benchmarks also vary. Thus, it is vital to be open to everyone’s uniqueness and try to adapt and work with them to foster growth in a relationship. In addition, it is really important to be aware of other cultures and backgrounds’ communication patterns or norms. If we are unaware of what topics are forbidden, or invade their personal space, it can easily push others away. First impressions are also a huge indicator of whether or not the other person wants to make more out of the relationship or sort of stray away from it, which is why it is so  important to respect diversity in relationships.

A Disconfirming Experience

I often feel defensive and disconfirmed when I talk to one of my friends, Ella. She often acts like she is always superior, and as if she is always right. If I mention something, she will go on and add something and acts like she knows everything or has to have the last say. If she does not have the last say, she is not satisfied. On other occasions, she says things like, “shouldn’t you know this stuff?”. It is very belittling and makes me feel like I am not as smart as she is, or that she is so much better than me. She does not only act that way when we have a conversation about something, but even about people. Although she remembers a lot of details about people, it is annoying when she acts like she knows my own schedule better than I do. It has become quite annoying that it makes me not even want to respond to her a lot of times or ask her questions. 

Confirming to Others

When I disagree with others, it is usually not too difficult for me to confirm to them. I think with my close friends, it is easier to be more confirming since they know that even when I do not agree with them, it is out of their best interest. I think I do a good job providing recognition, acknowledgment and endorsement. I try to listen actively if it is a serious concern or if I know they need my support. I have a well reciprocated relationship with my close friends and we both have trust in one another. In addition, if I do not agree with a friend, I can distinguish between confirming others as people and endorsing their ideas and behavior. Even if my friends do something I do not agree with or may look down upon, they are still my friends and I still respect them as people and still give them recognition and acknowledgement.  Instead of snapping at them or commenting with phrases like, “you should know better”, I tell them that I understand it may be hard for them and just try to provide my support. When a situation does come up when I do something my friends do not agree with and they tell me things like, “I told you not to do this or that” , I know how disconfirming it feels to me that it makes me not want to be open with them again and hide certain things from them. Thus, I try to avoid this and give them tips and encourage them to do things differently, rather than sort of snapping at them and making them feel like they are in trouble.

Responding Sensitively to Others' Emotions

I really found this section of this chapter helpful, because a lot of it is relevant to my life. I thought it was interesting that when others communicate negative emotions to us, like if they are sad or upset or angry with someone, we are not supposed to simply tell them things like, “you’ll be fine” or “time heals all wounds” (p. 186). I realized that I often respond this way to friends when they express their emotions to me, and vice versa. I always thought that it was a way of reassuring them and would help them feel better. However, the book brought up a good point that responding with those types of general statements actually tells them that they are not supposed to feel the way they do, that they will feel better after they dismiss their anger or negative emotions and simply forget about them.  In addition, I learned that it is not helpful to tell the other person expressing their emotions or concerns with me about my own past experiences when I encountered a similar situation, for everyone is different and has a different situation. In the future, I will keep in mind to paraphrase instead to show my support.

Fallacies

The fallacy that I have noticed in my intrapersonal communication is an obsession with should. When I encounter a problem, I always think back on it and think of how I should have done something differently or maybe should have told the other person something I did not before. In addition, I also recognized that I also tell others, like my boyfriend, what he should have done if he did done something that upset me. When I do this, my boyfriend often gets defensive, one of the typical effects from this fallacy, and tells me I am also at fault because I should have done this or that differently in the first place. This is a not an effective way for us to overcome our challenges. To be more constructive, I will try to monitor and revise my communication among myself and with others and instead think of what I will do differently next time, or what I will do to fix the problem. This way, it will not be as messy when trying to solve a problem and instead, we will try to ensure we will both stick to what we agree to do differently in the future.