Respecting Diversity in Relationships

I really enjoyed the passage, “Respect Diversity in Relationships” (p. 211). I think it is important to remind people that everyone is different and every relationship is different as well. People also change over time in relationships. It bothers me when people go into a relationship and compare their current relationship to their last and say things like, “so & so does not do this for me like my ex used to”, which I think is kind of irrational. Because everyone’s personality is different, the time it takes for a relationship to develop and reaching certain benchmarks also vary. Thus, it is vital to be open to everyone’s uniqueness and try to adapt and work with them to foster growth in a relationship. In addition, it is really important to be aware of other cultures and backgrounds’ communication patterns or norms. If we are unaware of what topics are forbidden, or invade their personal space, it can easily push others away. First impressions are also a huge indicator of whether or not the other person wants to make more out of the relationship or sort of stray away from it, which is why it is so  important to respect diversity in relationships.

A Disconfirming Experience

I often feel defensive and disconfirmed when I talk to one of my friends, Ella. She often acts like she is always superior, and as if she is always right. If I mention something, she will go on and add something and acts like she knows everything or has to have the last say. If she does not have the last say, she is not satisfied. On other occasions, she says things like, “shouldn’t you know this stuff?”. It is very belittling and makes me feel like I am not as smart as she is, or that she is so much better than me. She does not only act that way when we have a conversation about something, but even about people. Although she remembers a lot of details about people, it is annoying when she acts like she knows my own schedule better than I do. It has become quite annoying that it makes me not even want to respond to her a lot of times or ask her questions. 

Confirming to Others

When I disagree with others, it is usually not too difficult for me to confirm to them. I think with my close friends, it is easier to be more confirming since they know that even when I do not agree with them, it is out of their best interest. I think I do a good job providing recognition, acknowledgment and endorsement. I try to listen actively if it is a serious concern or if I know they need my support. I have a well reciprocated relationship with my close friends and we both have trust in one another. In addition, if I do not agree with a friend, I can distinguish between confirming others as people and endorsing their ideas and behavior. Even if my friends do something I do not agree with or may look down upon, they are still my friends and I still respect them as people and still give them recognition and acknowledgement.  Instead of snapping at them or commenting with phrases like, “you should know better”, I tell them that I understand it may be hard for them and just try to provide my support. When a situation does come up when I do something my friends do not agree with and they tell me things like, “I told you not to do this or that” , I know how disconfirming it feels to me that it makes me not want to be open with them again and hide certain things from them. Thus, I try to avoid this and give them tips and encourage them to do things differently, rather than sort of snapping at them and making them feel like they are in trouble.

Responding Sensitively to Others' Emotions

I really found this section of this chapter helpful, because a lot of it is relevant to my life. I thought it was interesting that when others communicate negative emotions to us, like if they are sad or upset or angry with someone, we are not supposed to simply tell them things like, “you’ll be fine” or “time heals all wounds” (p. 186). I realized that I often respond this way to friends when they express their emotions to me, and vice versa. I always thought that it was a way of reassuring them and would help them feel better. However, the book brought up a good point that responding with those types of general statements actually tells them that they are not supposed to feel the way they do, that they will feel better after they dismiss their anger or negative emotions and simply forget about them.  In addition, I learned that it is not helpful to tell the other person expressing their emotions or concerns with me about my own past experiences when I encountered a similar situation, for everyone is different and has a different situation. In the future, I will keep in mind to paraphrase instead to show my support.

Fallacies

The fallacy that I have noticed in my intrapersonal communication is an obsession with should. When I encounter a problem, I always think back on it and think of how I should have done something differently or maybe should have told the other person something I did not before. In addition, I also recognized that I also tell others, like my boyfriend, what he should have done if he did done something that upset me. When I do this, my boyfriend often gets defensive, one of the typical effects from this fallacy, and tells me I am also at fault because I should have done this or that differently in the first place. This is a not an effective way for us to overcome our challenges. To be more constructive, I will try to monitor and revise my communication among myself and with others and instead think of what I will do differently next time, or what I will do to fix the problem. This way, it will not be as messy when trying to solve a problem and instead, we will try to ensure we will both stick to what we agree to do differently in the future.

Perspectives of Emotion

The perceptual view of emotions, otherwise known as the appraisal theory makes the most sense to me. This view states that our emotions are based on the way we perceive a certain situation or experience and how we react to those situations. From these experiences, we learn what we think is considered normal and appropriate. Thus, we only have emotions if attach some sort of importance to these external situations and physiological reactions. This makes the most sense to me because like the common saying, “the less you care, the less hurt you will get”, until we attach significance to something, will it actually have an impact on us and bring out our emotions. I also agreed with the physiological view of emotion, but I think the perceptual view explains it more thoroughly. I did not really understand the cognitive view of perception, for it did not make sense that we can change our emotions simply through language. I think that when something causes an emotion, it shows that is how we truly feel about it and I think it would be hard to really change those emotions. I agree that if we talk to someone, it can help us feel better about a situation, but in the end, we can not help how we feel.  

Being Supportive Listeners

I really enjoyed the section on "Listening to Support Others", which is one of the adapting to listening goals. In order to listen and provide support to others, we should practice being mindful, speak cautiously when expressing opinions or judgement, and try to understand others' perspectives. It is important that we are open-minded and careful not to offend the other person or attack them even if we disagree with them, for it may drive them away and make them feel more vulnerable. This goes hand in hand with trying to put ourselves in the other's shoes, which I think is what most people forget to do when they are arguing with someone or are upset. It is also helpful to understand the other person's perspective because it can open our view and realize what we previously didn't. Furthermore, it will help us understand why they may have acted a certain way and did what they did.  Other techniques to being a supportive listener is to paraphrase by restating what the other person is saying, but in our own point of view. This is helpful in clarifying communication to ensure that both people are on the same page. In addition, it helps to use minimal encouragers and express support. Minimal encouragers, like following their sentences by, "and then what happened?", cue the speaker to elaborate more. We can also express support to show we care, even if we disagree with the speaker.

Listening: A 10 Part Skill

This article had a lot of useful tips that would help me become a better  listener. Here's what I learned:
1. Although what you are listening to may be boring, we should "find an area of interest" by asking ourselves what information might be useful from the discussion and how we can use it to our benefit. I found it interesting they mentioned that every topic is interesting to an extent, it's just that people are disinterested in what does not appeal to them.
2. Good listeners should listen specifically for content, even though the delivery may not be up to par.
3. Rather than interrupting the speaker, we should wait until he or she is done talking to share our opinion or say.
4. Focus on the overall central idea rather than individual facts or statements, which may prevent us from really grasping the entire overall bigger picture.
5. Be flexible in note taking. Outline just enough and write down key words that will be sufficient enough to help us remember what the idea or point was. Everyone has a different style of presenting. Thus, we must learn to adapt to their styles in a way that will allow us to be most efficient.
6. Work at listening, not just by using our ears, but physically as well. We should maintain an upright posture, engage in eye contact, etc. to show the speakers that we are listening and interested.
7. Avoid distractions. Although distractions are sometimes inevitable, we must focus on listening and try our best to cancel out the loud noise or music playing.
8.  We must exercise our minds and be exposed to challenging material. It is common for people to get lost when they do not understand the material. It takes time to practice, but the outcome will be a lot more productive.
9. Be open-minded by open discussion with friends or family to prevent being automatically emotionally by a certain topic or phrase.
10. Pace your thought process. Often, when someone is talking, it may lead us to think of other thoughts in our head that when we go back to listening to the person, we lose track of what the person was just saying.

Forms of Nonlistening

A  lot of the forms of nonlistening sound very familiar to me. I think I have encountered each one and have been guilty of a few as well. In my communication, a common form of nonlistening I have engaged in is pseudolistening. Sometimes when I talk to friends, they would tell me about a situation that they may be concerned about and sometimes I tend to be preoccupied texting someone else rather than actively listening. Furthermore, sometimes they come visit me at work and try to update me on a situation, even though I am busy doing work for my boss. I also do not enjoy talking on the phone for pleasure and try to avoid it because I am always distracted doing other things while I'm on the phone with someone. I feel like it is bothersome because they are keeping me from being productive and would rather wait to see them in person to really talk to them. A way to overcome pseudolistening when communicating with others may be to put my phone away where I can not see it or hear it when I get a notification. That way, I won't be so tempted to see what's on my phone and actually listen to others. Another way to overcome pseudolistening is to have my friends talk to me outside of work when I do not have other tasks to finish. Instead, I can ask them to grab dinner sometime to really listen and provide feedback.